Geri Halliwell
The best argument for involuntary euthanasia in the world. This former Spice Girl has made her name simply by being obsessed with her own self-image and state of celebrity. She once dated Chris Evans for a week just so she could be in the papers and get to number one. Best friends with George Michael and some stupid little rat of a dog she carries with her. She would sell her own grandparents for column space in a tabloid. If there was a free bar, paparazzi, yoga lessons, or anyone more famous than her in attendance she would go to the opening of a fridge. This woman is to the human race what Osama Bin Laden is to diplomacy. I envy all bricklayers simply because they may one day build the wall that she is put up against and shot when the revolution comes.
As I understand it she's recently had a baby to someone who looks like Chandler's psycho housemate from that episode of Friends. Within days this has led to many more photo opportunities for her, and by cutting the father out of her life she's immortalised herself a a feminist icon forever. You go girl. You kinda have to feel for the kid that's now gonna have George Michael as a father figure though...
J-Lo
OK, so your arse is huge? Shame it isn't where you store your talent. Kind of like a worldwide version of Geri but for some reason with more street-cred (probably her minority ethnicity � she�s from the block you know). Made it into the public eye by being Puff Daddys b itch for a few years. Requires a posse of hangers-on to throw rose petals at her feet and all that s hit. I once told her to fcuk off and die before she accidentally got married again, but she didn�t listen. And she got married again. Accidentally. But she�s the victim you see. She�s from the block. She�s not changed despite the bling and the ho�s. Unlike Geri she unfortunately makes bad films too.
Musicals
So, you go to the theatre to watch a play about gang warfare and then suddenly, halfway through a normal conversation, everyone starts this perfectly synchronized dance routine and sings along like they�ve rehearsed it all. Reality bubble blown. Confusion sets in. Is it a drama? A comedy? Entertainment? I think not. Exactly what are musicals supposed to be? A spoof? In the Simpsons maybe, but masquerading as drama? What the fcuk is Evita all about? Some Argentine revolution spoof? That�s like making a slapstick Vietnam war comedy. Les Miserables? Setting tragedies to song and dance routines is like bombing hospitals to the sounds of the Cancan and sitcom laughter.
Grease
This gets a special mention because it�s the most hideous example of the above genre and undoubtedly the worst film of all time. It makes Showgirls look classy and sophisticated. Here�s the plot to Grease in one paragraph:
Stereotype Fonzie snogs stereotype blonde during summer holidays. Blonde falls for Fonzie, but Fonzie is too cool to be seen with her. Rather than ditching him for being an idiot, blonde decides instead to completely change herself by whoring herself into the same cool image. Fonzie says "Heeeeyyyyy" and they live happily ever after. Blonde scores ironic victory for feminism. Oh yes, and they sing a lot. Badly.
This is not a sociological comment about any time period in history I�m aware of. Nor is it an accurate drama or attempt to convey the ways of a certain time. It�s not a true story (thankfully) nor is it a spoof of anything, to my knowledge. It�s just a load of idiots wandering round making fools of themselves. If you tried to make this movie today Harvey Weinstein would have you shot. And your family, friends, pets, and work colleagues too, just in case you�d mentioned it to any of them in passing.
Soap Operas
The cancer running through TV. Fed up with your own life? Run out of things to talk about? Then why not lose yourself in the make believe problems of make believe people on TV. It�s OK really, because their lives are just like yours really. The actors really feel their parts you know (oo-er) because theyre real people just like you and me. What a load of fcuking bollocks. These supposed attempts at drama could only appeal to the unimaginative and the insane. Their unflinchable urge to "deal with the issues, man" is so up its own arse that it could have been scripted by the government, so that the catatonic sheep that are addicted to them react in a certain pre-scripted way in case anything ever actually happens in their own miserable lives.
Taxes
OK, they�re a necessary evil. But up to a point. I don�t mind paying tax for things that need paying for, but when it becomes tax for taxation�s sake it�s beyond a joke. Pay for immigrants to have therapy while nurses live on the poverty line? Pay �78m just for MP�s annual expenses?
�420bn on civil service waste? Welfare is now a career choice for many as it pays better than actual employment, so working people are taxed more and more to pay for it. And anyone who proposes tax cuts by combating such waste is dismissed as a racist, homophobic fascist. Cheers, Tony, it�s a pleasure to live in your country.
Judge Jules
He gives DJs a bad name really because he no longer cares. He�s hit the point in his career where his name is so big he�ll be booked regardless of whether he plays well or not. So he turns up wasted, ruins the night, then laughs all the way to his accountant on his way to the next gig he ruins. The sooner he's back in court the better.
Thunderstorms
Hey, everyone has to have at least one phobia. When we were cavemen we used to be scared that thunderstorms meant that the Gods were angry and the world was ending. I still feel that during them now. I know its simply a stone-aged genetic memory, but that doesn�t stop me going mental.
People who don't have a clue
Just fcuk off and talk to someone else. You�re using up my air.
R&B, Ragga, and Reggae
Hey mon sheck it wid da bogle bogle an twizd it wid dat ting yo I dun care mon ma beech she no wand me no more mon so I gat diz bling in ma ho�s an�a sheck it wid da fong-key soundz like dis an� so yeah a pimp ma ride wid da low-down wingz an�a funk ma beech in da ay-azz an�we crooz in da klurb an�a sheck it mon ride wid me yeah so a rack wid da bogle bogle�.
I'm thinking this one speaks for itself.
Speed cameras
This is what happens if you give the police the power to raise taxes instead of getting them to solve crimes. They say that crime detection has gone up! What they don�t say is that this is because all they�re interested in is catching otherwise law-abiding citizens doing 34mph in a 30 zone, while heroin addicts mug people and break into houses unchallenged.
McDonalds
When the son of satan is born it won't be 666 on the back of his head, it'll be the golden arches. As Maddox pointed out, �I�m Loving It� is an anagram for �Ailing Vomit�. It�s not as if Big Macs were even nice. Give me KFC or Burger King any day. Somehow my body has a remarkably efficent method of processing something that may or may not be meat (but so long as I tell myself that it is I'll be fine). I�m officially a meat-itarian but they don�t give me a special menu when I go to restaurants. At the end of the day, we�re carnivores. If we stayed eating vegetation we�d still be in the stone ages, as it was eating meat that allowed our brains to evolve and thus grow. So ditch the rabbit food.
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